Set Free

Dear J,

I got the apology email you wrote me on my birthday. A part of me always knew that one way or another that letter would come. If only because I knew, despite everything, that the things you did were not who you are. You are who you are. And though you may have acted heartless in those moments, you were never, in fact, heartless. You were forgiven before you ever typed the words. But I still appreciate the gesture. Better late, than not at all. :)

I'm working at the place across the street from where you saw me in my car. I knew you saw me, because I saw you too.

The truth is, a friendship, a bond, like the one we had is rare. I was able to recognize that from the first time we connected. It was instant. We were kindred spirits in a lot of ways......ways that I see now more than I saw even then. You were the kind of friend that was more like family. We were supportive of each other, but at the same time we weren't afraid of being honest and hurting each other's feelings. Because underneath that honesty and the hurt feelings was always a mutual love and respect for the other that only the truest of friends share.

I will always stand by what I called you. Because whether or not you thought you were deserving of that......you were. In those moments in time, you were more than deserving. I hope that now, you can appreciate what I wished to preserve all along. And maybe start fresh. Because I miss you. Because I need to see that some friendships never truly end. So this is me reaching out.

I hope the demons have silenced. Your heart is far too kind to allow them residency there any longer.

Thank you for setting me free.

I had to go through a lot of dirt to get here.......but this flower finally bloomed. :)

-M

Twenty seven things about my 27th year.

So, it's my birthday. And days like birthdays make me want to pause for a moment of reflection. I think it's always interesting to think back on birthdays past and reflect on where I was at that time and how far I have come. Sometimes in life we can feel like we are running on a treadmill; sprinting but going absolutely nowhere. But that moment of reflection can put everything back into perspective and show us that though sometimes we feel like we're standing still, we're really running a whole freakin' marathon. Here is my moment of refelction. In the last year I....

-flew on an airplane for the first time ever.
-went to Las Vegas.
-wore a wig and went incognito in Vegas. ;)
-liked a Justin Bieber song. Without being tortured or bribed.
-relocated to a job where I am utterly and completely happy. I have bosses, coworkers, clients and friends that really believe in me here and are always encouraging me.
-played with a lot of glitter. A lot. Of glitter.
-have not updated my blog as often. Sorry about that. :)
-read a ridiculous amount of books. Currently, I am working on the complete works of Jodi Picoult.
-went on a lot of bad dates. Really bad. Hysterical bad.
-went to several local eateries and businesses for the first time ever.
-broke a hundred while bowling.
-broke out of my comfort zone and made a lot of new friends.
-grew my hair out.
-bought myself a Tiffany necklace. As a reminder to always take care of me. :)
-lost a friend.
-became even more comfortable in my own skin.
-consumed a lot of cupcakes.
-ended a relationship that was completely wrong for me.
-got that much closer to realizing what is right for me.
-realized how much I love having my own time to do with what I want.
-also realized sometimes I wish to relish in simply doing nothing during that time.
-tried to stop drinking diet coke altogther.
-did not succeed. But I'm working on it. (Typed this statement while drinking a diet coke.)
-took a lot of pictures.
-stopped sweating the small stuff.
-had hot flashes.
-learned that the older I get.....the better that life gets. The best is yet to come.

xo

Mel

Missing

There are always parts of us that we keep locked away from the rest of the world. Maybe we are afraid to be judged or misunderstood. Perhaps sometimes there are things better left unknown. But sometimes, we keep these pieces of ourselves locked away because it hurts too much to let them out. I've always kept an open relationship with the people that read what I write. I've opened up my heart to you about things that matter to me deeply. But never quite like this.

Love. How can four little letters cause such happiness and such pain all at the same time? These four letters are the foundation of our existence. It can cause us to do crazy, inexplicable things or even nothing at all. It makes us laugh, cry and feel things we thought only existed in movies and Nicholas Sparks novels. It's impossible to live with and even more impossible to live without.

Two years ago someone came across my path that changed how I viewed love. After getting out of a very long term relationship, I had come to terms with the fact that romantic love was elusive, at best......nonexistent at worst. But possible, nonetheless. So, I remained hopeful. Though we parted on fairly good terms, the relationship ended well after it should have. I was trying to figure out where to go with my life and find myself again.

And then I found myself with him. He was a musician. I had been doing some work in the local music scene. He was aloof, brooding, and maybe even a little stuck up. But he was also kind, funny and a dreamer like me. Our connection was instant and made about as much sense as mixing oil and water. Our relationship was brief, but I saw more about what love meant in that short time than I ever had in any other relationship. We weren't just dating. We had become best friends, too. He was supportive of me and saw me through one of the most difficult times of my life. And honestly, without his support and belief in me, I don't think I would have accomplished everything I did in that time. His faith in me helped to restore my faith in myself. And when it comes down to it, isn't that exactly what love should do?

Then, our relationship ended, like a sunset fading into black. Actually, it was more like someone cutting my heart out with a rusty, dull salad fork. It took me a long time to see past the hurt to realize that the relationship had served its purpose in both of our lives, even though it hurt like hell. I went through a period of detachment for a really long time. I dated, but never truly let myself get close enough to anyone for it to actually hurt if they weren't around anymore. I kind of went from a free falling spirit to shackling myself to the cliff, reluctant to trust or get close to anyone. Then, I stopped dating altogether for a while, deciding I was better off and ultimately happier on my own. This is true. But also not true. While, I am actually entirely happy on my own, I think there is a natural want for something more; someone to share this entire happiness with. When I truly think about it, the greatest moments of my life have happened when I was at my most vulnerable. So, it made me realize that if love was to be a possibility for me, I had to let go of the pain from my past to be able to accept someone in my future.

And maybe I've realized there is someone out there worth accepting, even if it scares the shit out of me. Maybe I almost missed out on him because I was too terrified to speak up and tell him how I felt. Maybe I am lucky because he actually felt the same and spoke up instead. Maybe, though this has actually been years in the making, this is the right time and I am finally ready to not let my fears keep me from something that could be amazing. I could get hurt. This time, I could really get hurt. Because I am in it and I can't help but to BE in it. But, maybe I would rather at least know I tried and was a part of something awesome than to have simply let life pass me by. I can't let what people have done in the past dictate my future. No, I don't want to get hurt. But I also don't want to miss him. Truth is, I missed him for a long time, and all because I was scared. And now that I am here in this moment, as vulnerable as I have ever been.....I know I don't want to be missing anymore.

Bullycide

Fourteen year old Philip Parker from Gordonsville, TN took his own life this week after being bullied because he was gay. How is this still happening? Why are kids hurting other kids? Why, as people, do we continue to hurt each other for the very things that make us who we are? Stories like this break my heart, yet they seem more and more common. So much so that the term "bullycide" has been invented because it seems the only fitting way to describe what has happened to these kids. They were bullied to death.

This isn't the kind of bullying we are used to. I think at some point in our childhoods, we were all mistreated by one of our peers. I remember one girl bullied me when I was in the 5th grade and how much it hurt me at that time in my life. But, as those things often did, it fizzled and we actually became friends. That was a different world altogether. Today, kids can destroy other kids lives by way of the internet. The internet never forgets. Social media websites like Facebook and Twitter and with immediate access to all of these things via your cell phone, bullying is happening all over the world in real time.

Fourteen years old. When you're fourteen you can't see past what is right in front of you. Growing up feels so far away at that age. Do you remember what you were like at fourteen? Do you remember how the days passed so slowly when you were a kid? You were always trying to get to that next moment, the next milestone, but the seconds ticked by at an hour's pace. But once you got out of school and into the real world, days became seconds in the whirlwind that is life.

Reading some of the commentary from other readers on one of the local news station's facebook pages about Phillip outraged me. Here you had adults condemning a child for being gay and for committing suicide. First of all, I do not think that a fourteen year old child CHOSE to be gay. I believe he was born gay. I believe that just as straight people are born straight, gay people are born gay. Second of all, at fourteen you are not emotionally equipped to deal with bullying or with other serious emotional traumas and though I believe kids understand the basic concept of life and death, I do not think that they see the big picture. They see what is happening right now and think that is what their life is going to be like forever.

I know it sounds cliche, but it does get better. The closer I get to thirty (holy dramatics, Batman. Did I just say thirty?!), the more comfortable I am in my own skin, the more I truly like who I am. Maybe it's because at this age I am more ME than I have ever been. When you're in school, you think who you are is who you are in that moment. But you're really just being born and setting out on a long journey to find out who you are. Those high school and college years are just laying a few of the bricks to your foundation.

How many more young lives do we have to lose before the bullying ends? When will society accept that there are gay people, straight people, obese people, skinny people, in between people, black people, white people, latino people, pink people, Christian people, Muslim people, Jewish people, Buddhist people, atheist people, intelligent people, not so intelligent people, serious people, silly people, artsy people, rich people, poor people, middle of the road people, conservative people, liberal people, independent people, ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE?! And all of these people have just as much of a right to be here as you do. You don't have to love them. You don't even have to like them. But you do have to respect their right to exist as a human being.

I am a huge fan of the efforts of the NOH8 Campaign and I urge you to all take a look at their website www.noh8campaign.com to see what they are all about and see what you can do to make a difference.

This blog is dedicated to the memory of Phillip Parker. Don't let another young life be lost because of hate. Respect each other. Show others the kindness you wish people would have shown you.

xoxo

Mel

Untouchable

November and I haven't exactly been on great terms for a while now. Today you would have celebrated your 28th birthday. I imagine your face and I can still see it so clearly in my mind. Barely 18, with that big grin of yours, the roundness of your glasses and the way your cheeks went so rosy when you were embarrassed. I often wonder what that face would look like now, what you would be doing, where you would live, who your friends would be..... I just wonder about the amazing man you would have no doubt become today.

The guy I remember loved The X Files and the Dave Matthews band. I remember that black coat he used to wear and how much of a resemblance he actually had to Mulder. He was so funny, but so sweet. I remember how excited I was when you asked me out. You know, it's so funny how we referred to it as "going out" but we never actually went anywhere. I remember talking on the phone to you for hours on end and my mom yelling at me to hang up from across the house. We passed notes in class and I even remember a certain teacher catching us. You were the first boy to ever tell me I was pretty. You should know how unpretty I really felt at that time and that your words meant the world to me. I couldn't believe my luck that a boy like you thought I was pretty. :)

Our little fling ended (as those tend to do at that age, hehe) but we remained friends over the years. And you were such a good friend. I remember all of the time we got to spend together in our study hall in high school. We rarely ever got any sort of studying done! All of us used to play games together and joke and laugh for the duration of the study period. But I also remember going through some tough times and you being right there for me. You had a comforting hand on my back, stroking my hair as I cried. And even at that age I knew the significance of such a sweet gesture from such a precious friend.

As the years passed, our school paths took us in different directions, but you always had a smile for me as we passed each other and you always said hello. I never dreamed that during our senior year, one of those quick glances and smiles as we passed would be the last time I ever saw you. November 18, 2001 I got the phone call saying you were gone from a panicked friend. I remember we were both scared and unsure, hoping this was all a big misunderstanding. However, the roses in the chairs you sat in confirmed the next day that it was indeed all very real.

The days following were a blur of tears, memories, and hugs. Of course, loss is inevitable in life. But at that age we thought we were invincible; untouchable. I am sure we had all experienced loss on some level at that point in our lives. But none like this. When you lose someone your own age and at so young of an age, at a time where the future is an open highway, an endless sky of possibilities......it takes its toll in an entirely different way. A certain innocence was lost, never to return again. The future that had once looked so bright from where we sat, was suddenly cloudy and nothing made much sense anymore. How could we all move on, graduate and grow up, go to college, begin careers, get married, start families.....when you wouldn't be going with us? I know I struggled with this every day for a long time. And sometimes, I still do.

A piece of my heart is always with you. And even after 10 years, I still think of you every day. I could never forget you. When I am out, if I hear someone say your name, I turn my head. In my mind I know you won't be there, but my heart still hopes. My heart always hopes for you. And every time I hear Dave Matthews, I still see your face. Even though you are gone from this earth now, you remain in my heart......untouchable.

The Good Life

When I asked my awesome facebook friends what I should write about for today's blog, the subject 'living life to the fullest' came up. I sat here pondering this notion for some time before I had to ask myself.....do I know how to do that?

I took to Google with my quest reading quotes, thoughts and ideals that promise to help you live your life to its fullest potential. And, let me tell you, there is no shortage of information on the subject available. There are books, self help DVDs, websites and blogs dedicated to the subject. All promise to yield results of a fabulous life. What makes a fabulous life? (That depends on which website/book/blog you are reading!)

To me, living one's life to the fullest means living in the moment and ultimately just being happy. Sounds simple enough, right? Maybe. But it's not always so easy. Life just has a knack for getting in the way sometimes. I don't know about you guys, but sometimes I get so busy that I just don't have time to add 'living in the moment' to my mile long checklist. Not to mention that it would take me fifteen minutes just to figure out how to add it to my 'To Do' list on my Blackberry. Luckily, I have a few go-to things I can do to add a little happiness to my day and bring my butt back to the present. So, I am going to add a few more things to the plethora of knowledge out there on living life to the fullest.....

- Sing in the car. Loud. And dance. Well, as much as one can dance in a car. Reel the person next to you in using your imaginary fish pole, disco and sing into your bottle of Germ-X. You're the star of your own life. So act like it, Rockstar. :) Focusing on whatever song is playing pulls your attention back to where it should be. Just go easy on the dancing when the car is moving! My favorite 'rock out in the car song'? 'Raise Your Glass' by Pink!

- Smile. At the person in front of you at the grocery store. At your boss. At your friend over lunch. At that person at the office that really just pisses you off. At your mom. At your second cousin twice removed. At the good lookin' little devil in the mirror. Just the act of smiling makes you feel better and happier. And when that smile is returned.....priceless! :)

- Hug a puppy. Ok, so maybe not the best idea for everyone, but for me this is always a winner. There is something so special about the love of a dog. Maybe because they give it so freely with no expectation of anything in return. We would do well to learn from their furry example! So, play fetch with Fido, get a puppy kiss or scratch the belly of a well deserving pooch. Try not to be happy. I dare you.

- Eat chocolate. Whatever your favorite kind is. Have a bite and let it melt in your mouth. Close your eyes and just enjoy it. That is why God made chocolate.

- Spend some time in the great outdoors. And with fall right around the corner, this is one of my favorite things to do. Take a walk or lay out on a blanket with a good book and soak in some sunshine. I love laying out on a blanket ( with sunglasses and SPF on, people!!) and listening to the sounds of the day. No matter how hectic my life is, something about hearing the leaves rustling in the trees brings me back to where I need to be. Right here.....or uh....there. You know what I mean.

- Talk to someone you love. And by talk I do not mean text. Meet a friend for coffee, hang out with mom or anyone that you care about. Focus on the conversation at hand. Ask questions, listen intently and give that person your undivided attention.

- Break free of the electronic leash. Remember what life was like without cell phones? Find out. For a day, go laptop/cell phone/email/iPhone free. Enjoy living. You can talk about it on facebook tomorrow.

- Listen to 'Good Life' by One Republic. That song just puts me in a good mood. Please tell me-e-e-e what there is to complain about?

I want to dedicate this blog to my cousin Sammie Jo. This one is for you, lady.

What helps YOU live your life to the fullest and live in the moment?

xo

Mel

Viva Las Vegas

As you guys know, I was in Las Vegas June 18th through the 23rd. What an experience! This was my first time EVER flying on an airplane (knocked one off my bucket list) and my first time ever in Vegas. Actual quote said to the man that checked us in at Nashville International- "First time on an airplane and first time in Vegas. We're poppin' a lot of cherries today." Yes, I couldn't possibly leave the state without embarassing myself to the point that I may not have wanted to come back to Nashville. "Watch out for them cherries," said the man. Then the floor just opened up and swallowed me whole. Or rather, I wish it had.

I thought I would be nervous for my first flight, but honestly, I was totally calm. It was breathtaking seeing Nashville from 10,000 feet and then seeing the cotton candy clouds. It was a perfect, sunny day and the clouds looked like perfectly fluffed pillows just waiting for someone to lay their head down on them. The flight to Las Vegas was pretty long- 4 hours! I did get a birds eye view of the Grand Canyon towards the end which was nice.

Las Vegas is bright even at night. Everything is lit up in a way that is completely different from anything I have ever seen. Our hotel, The Paris, lived up to its name and looking out our window made us feel like we were in a different country. There was a small cafe downstairs close to the casino called Cafe Madeline that had the most amazing chocolate eclairs in the world. There is also a place there called The Sugar Factory. This place is full any kind of candy or sweets you could ever want! There I tried frozen hot chocolate for the first time! There are street performers scattered everywhere. Las Vegas is truly one of a kind!

In other news, I have been busy making the nails of Nashville beautiful! I have some of the best clients! I am so lucky that my job allows me to meet such a variety of amazing people and that these guys and gals include me in their lives.

Whitney and I had a much needed catch up dinner date last night. Hard to believe we haven't seen each other since the OneRepublic/jerkface label rep incident! We met at Applebees and laughed ourselves silly, as Applebees had decided to throw a 70's party.......and apparently we were the only people to show up! The manager walked around awkwardly with a popped collar and hair that looked more electrocuted in a light socket than retro. He approached our table a couple of times to talk up this alleged 'party' and the conversation would start well.....but would just end in an awkward silence where the poor guy would just stand there after the conversation had faded to a polite end. We're seated at the table in your resturaunt attempting to finish our dinner, so we don't really have anywhere to go. When the conversation ends, it is assumed that you leave our table and move on to your other patrons. The hair and the silence grew more awkward by the second.

Izzy is giving me the 'I am ready to go for my walk now' stink eye. Do you ever find it interesting that after a while you develop your own sort of language with your pet? For instance, there is a distinct difference in Izzy's 'I wanna go out now' growl and her 'Love on me, dammit' growl. And Cash and I have our communication down to a science with special looks that come only from growing with each other for the last several years.

So on that note, I am off to take the dogs for the evening stroll!

xo,

Mel